Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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