THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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