I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
