My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
