I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize