Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
