be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
