He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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