Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
