Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
