Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
