I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
