we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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