I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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