She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
