3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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