he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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