My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Less talking, more tequila
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
