My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
