just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
