my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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