i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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