I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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