Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
When did angry sex become our thing?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
