Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
