I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Pants are for mortals
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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