But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
