We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I love you.
Bad choice
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
