he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
