i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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