Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
