I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Pants are for mortals
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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