i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize