Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
