Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
420 ftw
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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