If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
