did you get engaged???
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
