fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
