I wanna bring you to show and tell
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
They took my balls.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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