Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
