Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
