I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
