Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
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