why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
