At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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