I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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