I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
