My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
