I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
