If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
