Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
