see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
