what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
