happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
