I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
