happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
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