I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
