Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
We had to coat check the pizza.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
