I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Found your dick twin last night
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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